The Very Secret Diaries of Severus Snape
by silverkitsune89
Summary: I'm going to be rewriting and finishing this story finally . Go to sincerusamor. for the updates while I rework the fanfiction version.
1. Chapter 1

The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 1

_September_

Dear Fluffy,

Never thought I'd ever write in this disgusting thing. What kind of mother gives her teenage son a furry pink journal for his birthday? I think this thing has been gathering dust in the darkest cavern in my room for the past four years.

But then, I feel as if I have no choice but to write in here. Between notes and random scribblings, I have nothing suitable for the rold of journal. I just hope no one finds this. And I feel as if I don't write down what's going on in my head, I'll explode… or maybe implode. I'm still not sure which.

Lately I've been feeling rather… uneasy… around Potter. The thought of him sickens me, but at the same time, I can feel my stomach turn summersaults. It feels almost… nice.

On the train coming to Hogwarts, I passed him twice. Both times he was with that Mudblood girlfriend of his. Each time we passed each other, I glared at them as I tend to do. He glared back, but said and did nothing, not wanting to upset his girlfriend. The second time, his arm brushed against mine. My heart started pounding as a jolt of electricity ran through my arm.

What is going on with me?

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

I've been at Hogwarts for a week now. We still haven't gotten our schedules, which is unusual, but we should get those Monday morning.

Word has been spreading about the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Dumbledore, being the old fool that his is, told us there'd be a new teacher (as if that were ever a question), but failed to mention who. Word is spreading that he'll be a werewolf or a vampire or, and this is my personal favorite, a loquacious dragon. The suspense of who it might be is killing me, truly it is. I'm fond of the loquacious dragon myself.

I haven't seen Potter around at all. My guess is he's planning something with those idiot friends of his. I despise them. Always strutting around as if they own the place. Potter and Black are the worst of all. Black, being so very popular with every female (and most males) in the school, is always flirting. I think his favorite pastime is making girls swoon. And Potter is no better. As soon as Evans is out of sight, he's back to his old self. He still pulls pranks on people he doesn't like, most specifically me. He still carries around a snitch and plays with it on the grounds. And most annoyingly, he still runs his hand through his hair in an attempt to mimic the windswept look he has when he just gets off the quidditch field. Though that feature does look good on him.

Wait

What did I just write?

Potter does not look good. Potter does not look good. Dammit, Potter does NOT look good.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

Classes finally started today. Lockhart, as before, is insisting on following me around like a lost puppy. How that spineless squib managed to get sorted into Slytherin house is beyond my understanding. He's not worthy of it. I don't believe he should even be at the school. He can't perform the simplest spells, nor can he produce the most elementary of potions. He's disgraceful. Somehow he managed to get into NEWTs level potions (Seriously, how?). Why do the gods torture me so?

But classes have started. My schedule for my final year: Potions, DADA, Transfiguration, Charms, Ancient Runes, Herbology, and Care of Magical Creatures. All NEWTs level. I'm not sure why I still take Care of Magical Creatures. Perhaps it may be useful someday, but most of it seems so trivial. Why should I care to know that a vampire, contrary to popular belief, is not allergic to garlic so much as it is to strawberries (This being directly quoted from the most recent edition of _Monster Book of Monsters_). So next time I'm in a dark alley or alone in a forest in the middle of the night, I'll be sure to have a pouch of freshly picked strawberries hanging around my bloody neck ready to be used at a moment's notice.

Interestingly enough, Potter and company are in all of my classes except Ancient Runes. Only the werewold is there. Lucius, on the other hand, is also in all of my classes. He'll make the year more tolerable.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

Quidditch tryouts were today. Being ridiculously bored, I watched all the teams tryouts. Potter appointed himself Seeker again. But I hate to admit that he is probably the most deserving of the position. I couldn't help but watch him, and Potter does have a lot of talent. Watching him fly was inspiring at the very least. The rest of his chosen warriors are dismal at best, but Potter is good, so I suppose they'll do well enough.

Ravenclaw has managed to put together a good team this year. Hufflepuff's team is horrid, but that's generally expected. My own team is fairly good. Lucius scored Seeker. I'm sure he'll give Potter a run for his money. I myself made Beater. I'll be up against Black.

Gryffindor team had their first practice today as well. They held it right after lunch. I snuck out to watch them (to scope out the competition, of course) and Lucius chose to join me that time around.

I watched Potter the whole time. All that practicing with his stolen snitch has paid off. He truly is amazing, and he looked so happy on his broom. I was entranced. Lucius may have tried to tell me something, but I never heard him. Watching Potter swoop and swerve, catching the snitch and letting it go, then catching it all over again within 5 minutes. It was breathtaking. My heart was racing. I think it still is. I think…

I think I'm not going to finish that thought.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

Does no one in this school have any decency? I was in the library trying to finish an essay. While I was on my way out, I heard something behind the bookshelf. Being my naturally curious self, I went to go see what had caused the noise. As I turned the corner, I caught a glimpse of Potter and Evans snogging. It was disgusting! It looked as if they had been melded together. They were all over each other. You would think they'd at least find somewhere more private.

I left the library as fast as I could. My blood was boiling and I wanted to go back there and tear them apart. I was sorely tempted to not only tear them apart, but place on Unforgivable Curse on that filthy Mudblood (for something illegal, they're really so easy to perform). But most of all, I wanted to be in her place….

Merlin's Beard… I think I'm in love with James Potter….

-Severus

A/N: So, a lot of people will be glad to know that I AM picking this story back up, as well as James's diary. I'm going to be rewriting the first six chapters that I have, then I'll be finishing it up. After I finish Severus, I'll be rewriting/finishing James. I'll have the stories posted both here and on my new blog: .com. Hope you enjoy. Let me know what you think.


	2. Chapter 2

The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 2

_September_

Dear Fluffy,

Potter and Evans broke up. It's all over school. Apparently, they got into some big fight over the "slavery and mistreatment of house elves" (these, of course, being the words of Evans). I was in the owlery at the time, so I didn't see anything, but Lucius was there and he said it was pretty bad… and loud. Most of the Slytherins have taken bets on when they will or won't get back together. Lockhart and Goyle think they'll be back together by the end of the week. I chose to stay out of this conversation.

Maybe now that Ja… Potter is single, I'll have a chance with him (I can't believe I'm even considering this as a possibility). I suppose I'll wait and see what happens.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

I just woke up from the strangest dream. Bloody hell… I've never felt like this before. Fifteen minutes later, my breath is still ragged and I'm drenched in sweat. I'm only hoping everyone was deep enough in sleep that they couldn't hear anything (Not that I make any noise in my sleep).

It was a very… interesting dream. I remember everything. It's as if the images are permanently etched in my memory.

I was alone in the Great Hall. It was well after midnight, I expect. All was deathly quiet except for the fire crackling in the hearth. As I looked over my surroundings I saw lit candles (Yes, lit) hovering overhead, casting shadows on the stone floor.

Footsteps came towards me from behind. I reeled around and saw Ja… Potter seemingly emerging from the shadows. He was giving me his usual arrogant smirk, eyes alight. As he glided towards me, his smirk only grew.

Before I realized what was happening, Potter was on top of me. He pushed me onto the closest table, my back pressed flat against the top. Potter pressed himself against me and groaned. My breath started coming short and my pulse raced through my veins. James rocked his groin against mine, causing moans to erupt from both of us.

He grabbed both of my arms and held them above my head, then knelt down to kiss me (sweet torment).

That's when I woke up (Seriously? So close…). I jolted out of bed, still vaguely disoriented, and now freezing as the night time breeze came through the open window (although, in retrospect, that may have been a good thing. And yes, though we are in the dungeons, the Slytherin dorms are just above ground. So we do, contrary to popular belief, have windows.).

Blast that infernal window for ruining an overall pleasant dream. I mean….

Damn.

I can't really deny it anymore.

I'm really in love with James Potter.

I'll admit it.

But I don't like it.

Now to figure out how to get him to like, or even tolerate, me back.

Also, I think I'm very much in need of a cold shower.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

After a lot of research (a LOT of research), I've finally found a potion that may get James to like me. (After looking raiding the library for a week for love potions, I really cannot deny that I like him anymore, and I henceforth give up trying to). It's called _Sincerus Amor_. It's going to take a month to make it, but if the potion does what I think, it'll be worth it.

Some of the ingredients may be difficult to get a hold of. Specifically, the horn of a female unicorn, 3 strands of a mermaid's hair and a blue dragon's scale. Well, scratch that. The mermaid hair won't be too hard to get (that floats around in the lake all the time), but the horn and scale are both incredibly rare. I may be able to get the horn from Professor Flammel's private stock. I've not the foggiest idea as to where I can find the scale. The nearest colony is in the mountains, and there's no assurance that there are blue ones there. I may be able to find one in Knockturn alley, but I'd rather not chance a trip down there.

Everything else I should be able to attain from the student storage. The last problem is finding where to brew it. I was going to find a spot in the room, but Lucius has been asking me why I've been 'behaving so oddly'(no idea what he's talking about), and I really would rather not chance him or someone else tampering with it. Lucius is my best friend – only friend – but I don't think I can tell him about this. Not yet.

-Severus

_Sincerus Amor_

12 lacewings – 7 butterfly eggs – 2 grams chopped mint – sandalwood – horn of a female unicorn – 3 strands of mermaids hair – 1 blue dragon scale – 5 grams lavender oil

Place dragon scale in the center of a standard sized cauldron, then fill halfway with water and bring to a boil. Water should turn a reddish color. While water is boiling, add 1 lacewing every seven minutes until all have been added. When the final lacewing has been added, wait five minutes, then add 3 butterfly eggs and the chopped mint. Let simmer for fourteen days, stirring clockwise thirteen times every night when the moon is at it's highest point. On the fifteenth day, mix in the rest of the butterfly eggs, two at a time, and 3 strands of mermaids' hair. Add lavender oil until the potion turns deep crimson in color. Let it sit for sixteen more days, again stirring clockwise thirteen times every night. On the final day, when you're finished stirring, pour the finished potion into the hollowed out unicorn horn and serve to whomever's love you desire.

Dear Fluffy,

Either I am a very lucky man or someone in the heavenly spheres loves me. I have obtained all the ingredients needed for _Sincerus Amor_, including the scale and horn. Last night, I went to the lake to scoop out the mermaid's hair. When I started walking back towards the school, I heard a loud roar coming from the Forbidden Forest. I was going to just ignore it (my previous experiences into the Forest have never ended well), but I heard the roar again, only this time more desperate than before. Letting my curiosity get the better of me (seriously, it's going to get me killed one day), I made my way towards the Forest and the source of the noise.

I was deep in the forest before the sound got any louder, now accompanied by splashing. I continued walking towards the noise and gradually it got louder, closer, and frightened and just beyond my sight. I threw myself into the bushes blocking my way and fell into a shallow pool of water. When I looked up, in front of me was a small, ice blue dragon being attacked by an incredibly large spider (a spider roughly five times the size of the dragon…). I was frozen for a moment, not quite comprehending what I saw (Do spiders really come that big?). It was only when the dragon gave another terrified cry that I came to my senses and hit the spider with a particularly strong and old curse (sectumsempra), making it let go of the dragon and scuttle off, crying in pain as pus or blood oozed from fresh wounds. The dragon sat there for a moment, panting, before turning its cobalt eyes on me, again freezing me to the spot. Light blue started emanating from the dragon's body, and then I was lying down next to the lake, slightly scratched up (probably from stupidly jumping into a bush instead of trying to find a better way in), with no dragon in sight. I moved to get up, and my hand touched something hard and cold. Next to me were three blue scales.

But that's how I got the dragon's scale. Getting the unicorn horn… both disturbs and worries me. I was looking through the students' storage during lunch, gathering all the ingredients I would need for the potion. As I was walking out, Professor Flammel (forgot to mention… potions teacher) walked by. He stopped and looked over the contents in my arms while I tried desperately, and probably failed, to keep a straight face. He smiled and dropped a unicorn horn into my pile and said, and I quote, "You may need this." Then he continued on his merry way.

Does this mean he knows what I'm doing?

I'm not questioning this….

I'd rather not know the answer….

Either way, I have everything I need to start the potion, and I'll be doing that tonight. I've found an abandoned room in the dungeons that not even the ghosts use, so I shouldn't be disturbed.

-Severus

A/N:

Chapter 2 is finished :D That's good, right?

To Trii-Chi, I know Lily and Severus were originally friends, but I started this fic long before book seven had come out, and I had kind of based the story around the idea that Lily was a psycho bitch. Sorry

As always, comments, both good and bad, are greatly appreciated and loved 3 Chapter 3 should be up by the end of the week.


	3. Chapter 3

The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 3

_October_

Dear Fluffy,

I am now sitting in front of my cauldron in the abandoned room. The potion is coming along quite nicely. It's been almost a week, and if I timed it right, I should be finished the day before Halloween. My biggest problem is still figuring out how to get James to drink it. He doesn't trust me at all (and all things considered, I can't really blame him), so I know he probably won't take a cup of anything knowing it came from my hand. I need to figure something out.

After I stir the potion for the night, I think I'm going to shower before returning to the dorms. It's well after midnight, so I doubt I'll run into anyone. We were dealing with a rather nasty plant in herbology. The bloody thing oozes disgusting pus when it's pulled out of the dirt and someone thought it would be hilarious to throw a large glob of it at me. When the pus is diluted it's wonderful for medicinal purposes, but when it's pure, and worse when it's fresh, it causes mild deterioration of the skin. Luckily, I got it all off before any permanent damage could be done. As it is, I'll have a rash on my left arm for the rest of my life, but it could have been worse. I still feel slimy. When I get my hands on the person that threw it…

The potion is finished for the day. I think I'm going to take that shower.

-Severus

Severus Snape shut his journal and sighed. He checked his potion one last time before quietly creeping out of the abandoned room. Stealthily, he made his way towards the prefects bathroom, making sure to keep quiet.

"Leviosa Draconis." Severus whispered when he reached the portrait that marked the entrance. The portrait opened and he climbed in. Once the doorway was firmly closed behind him, he slumped against the wall and sighed. "Only a little bit longer…" He muttered to himself as he shrugged off his robes and slipped into the warm water. '_A little longer and my potion will be complete. Maybe them James will like me…_._'_ Severus sighed again and sank into the water, letting only his nose and eyes hover above.

He was still sitting in that position when the portrait creaked open again. Severus stood and whirled around, now face-to-face with James Potter. They stared at each other for a moment, both too stunned to speak.

"So you've finally decided to wash the grease from your hair, Snivellus?" James sneered, coming to his senses first. "Took you long enough. I was beginning to worry that someone would think to use you as a human torch."

Severus growled at his rival/love interest. "What the bloody hell are you doing here, Potter?"

"Same thing as you, I expect." James took offhis clothes, hiding them behind a urinal, then slipped into the opposite side of the oversized tub, as far away from Severus as possible. "I'm taking a nice, relaxing bath in the Prefect's bath in spite of the incredibly late hour."

Snape looked away, successfully hiding his blush behind a curtain of black hair. "And why, pray tell, would you need a relaxing bath at such a late hour. What could possibly be bothering you?"

"That's really none of…" James stopped, suddenly very alert. Snape raised an eyebrow and opened his mouth to say something, but shut it when James motioned for him to stay quiet. James pulled himself out of the tub and walked over to where his robes lay, pulling out a piece of parchment and looking it over while Snape struggled to contain another blush. James cursed under his breath and kicked his clothes, as well as Snape's, back behind the urinal.

"Out of the tub!" James ordered, walking towards the stall at the end. When Severus hesitated, James grabbed him by the arm and pulled him onto the window sill, snapping the oversized tapestry shut so they couldn't be seen.

"Potter, what do you think you're doing?" Severus cried, outraged. Before James could answer, the portrait swung open for the third time.

"I could have sworn I'd seen Sevvy come this way…" Snape glared at James as the newcomer walked around the bathroom.

"How the bloody hell did you know Lockhart was coming?" Snape whispered, struggling to keep his voice low.

"Quiet, _Snivellus_," James muttered. "Unless you want your favorite stalker to find you quite the compromising position with your arch nemesis."

Severus's eyes widened. "My favorite WHA-" Before he could finish his sentence, James grabbed Snape's shoulders and kissed him, making sure to hold him in place. Snape, too stunned to move, just stood in James's grip, unable to bring himself to pull away.

"That's odd…." Lockhart said to himself, stopping in front of the window. "I'd have thought Sevvy would be here, considering what I threw at him earlier. Maybe he's already back in the common room and I just missed him."

When James heard Lockhart finally leave the room, he wasted no time in letting go of Snape and putting his clothes back on. Snape finally, and angrily, came to his senses just as James was about to open the portrait.

"What was that? He's the one who threw that pus at me? And you!" Snape, scarlet faced, growled as put his cape back on, making sure to hide a certain part of his anatomy. "You! What the bloody hell was that?"

"Yes, Lockhart threw highly dangerous flesh eating pus at you. No, it wasn't me, though I'm sad I didn't think of it." James turned around to face him. "And your yapping would have gotten us caught. And you wouldn't want Lockhart, who would throw damaging substances at you as a ploy to see you, to find you naked in the bathroom with your rival, as I stated before. It would ruin your over-inflated ego and break his fragile heart. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll thank you not to mention this little encounter to anyone. That is unless you want to be pelted with another blob of skin eating pus." James smirked at Snape and disappeared through the portrait.

Dear Fluffy,

I haven't really been able to write since Wednesday. I've been completely out of it. Lucius, I think, is getting worried about me. He says I've been unresponsive to most of what he says and I've basically been ignoring everything that goes on around me. I shrugged it off earlier, but now that I think about it, he may be right.

I've been completely zoned out. After I finished checking the potion (from my last entry), I went to the bathroom as planned. Within a few minutes, James showed up. And then he somehow knew that Lockhart was coming, so we hid in the windowsill (he half dragged me). He mentioned something about Lockhart being "my favorite stalker." I started saying something, but he kissed me to make me shut up. It was… incredible. Now I have an all new reason to hurry up and finish my potion. I can't waste any time.

And what did he mean by 'my favorite stalker'?

And Lockhart did threw that pus on me? On purpose?

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

I think I've found a way to get James to drink my potion. We're having a Halloween ball this year for the first time in about 27 years. Professor Flammel told us about it during class today.

I think I know what I'm going to do. If James goes (as I'm sure he will), he'll want to drink something eventually. I can put an illusion on the horn so it looks like the goblets on the table, then spell it so no one else will grab it.

The only problem is if he decides not to come. He's not with Evans anymore, so he doesn't quite have a reason to be there like he would have. If he's not there, I'm not sure how I'll get it to him. I'll just have to deal with that problem if it comes.

-Severus

Dear Fluffy,

Been too busy to write. Between preparations for tomorrow and classwork…. The potion is finished. Everything is ready for tomorrow. So tired… I'm going to sleep….

A/N

Sorry this took so long, but I got busier than I thought. I'm going to aim for a chapter a week and see how that goes.

Raven Potter Weasley, Thanks for telling me the link doesn't work. Let's try this again.

.com

And if that didn't work

sincerusamor . blogspot . com (just get rid of the spaces )

Next chapter up soon! Hope you all like what I'm doing so far.


	4. Chapter 4

The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 4

Dear Fluffy

It is now 7:50. Only ten minutes before the ball begins and I've got everything ready. The potion is complete and I've put an illusion on the horn so it looks like one of the goblets.

I'm starting to have a few second thoughts about this. I'm not entirely sure what the actual effects of the potion are, so I have no idea what will happen when James drinks it. For all I know, it could be a cupid's arrow type thing and he'll fall for the first person he sees, which could very easily be a teacher or anyone. Maybe even Lily and I'm not sure that I'm okay with that consequence. There's also the extremely likely possibility of everything going terribly wrong. I want James to like me, but it won't be worth it if I screw everything up.

There's no time for second thoughts now. It's already 7:56 and I need to start heading down if I'm going to go through with this. I've been planning and preparing for over a month. I have to go through with this. I can't let all my hard work go to waste.

7:58. I'm dressed up (and I look hideous. Seriously, Mother? A light lavender robe with long frills? You do know I'm male, right?) and I have the horn/goblet in my cloak. Now all I need to do is set my plan in motion and hope for the best.

-Severus

Carefully, Snape placed his journal under his pillow, resituating everything to make it look as if nothing were out of the ordinary. Giving himself one last glance over, Severus left the dungeons, walking towards the Great Hall and the Halloween celebrations. By the time he got there, the Hall was already teeming with excited students. Carefully, Severus placed the horn and cast the final spell, ensuring that James would be the only one to take it.

Snape decidedly took his station leaning against the wall so he could see where the horn sat. He watched as every other student in Hogwarts laughed and danced, almost wishing he could join them. But no. Even his own house despised him. They watched and laughed with the rest of the school when Potter and Black tortured him, albeit this had lessened since the breakup. Lucius was the only one who had ever stood by him.

Severus shook himself, refusing to dwell on the past. Right now he had to stay alert and keep his eyes on Potter, not mope in the corner like a pms-ing woman. He had one friend, and that was all he needed.

"Propping up the wall as usual, I see." Giving him a genuine smile, Lucius walked up to Severus and took the empty spot next to him. Snape smiled weakly, debating on whether or not he should be angry and deciding against it. '_Speak of the devil.'_

"You've managed to escape Narcissa. Or did you not ask your lovely betrothed to this quaint little gathering."

Lucius snorted. "My lovely betrothed… there's something I'll never quite get used to. No, I came quite alone, although I expect she'll find me sooner or later." He grimaced, then stole a quick look at Snape. "Nice to see you're responsive today. You okay? You've been completely spacey since we came back."

Snape remained quiet, not sure how to respond. "I've just… had a lot on my mind lately."

"Care to elaborate?"

Severus Shook his head. "Not yet. I'll tell you, just… not yet," he said, hoping his friend would understand.

Lucius nodded, content that he'd find out eventually. "Well, until you decide to share your life story with me, would you care to dance?" Lucius turned to face him, a bemused look on his face. "We'll create quite a stir. Things have been way to dull around here since Potter and Evans broke up, I'm sad to say. And it's not as if you'll be associating with our fellow students."

Severus laughed. "A tempting offer, but no thank you. Besides, I smell a cloud of bad perfume coming our way, and I think it's looking for you." Pointing towards the wandering Narcissa, he laughed even harder as his best friend went rigid and melted into the crowd and away from his pursuer.

Severus looked back over at Potter and his friends, checking to see if James had taken the potion yet. No suck luck. James and Sirius were standing in the corner, talking between themselves. Then, much to Snape's pleasure, James walked away just long enough to grab two drinks from the table, including the disguised potion. But of course, all good plans have their flaws. Instead of keeping it for himself, james gave Sirius the goblet with the potion, keeping the normal one for himself. Snape could only look on in horror as Black downed the potion that was meant for James. Once the potion was finished, Black said something to James before rushing off. '_Probably the potion taking effect.'_ James stood there by himself, looking lonely and almost depressed. Snape continued to watch him, fighting the urge to walk up to the object of his affection.

Then James perked up, wary. Both him and Snape watched as Lily, who seemed as if she were waiting for James to be alone, emerged from the crowd. She walked up to James, whispered something into his ear, then grabbed his hand and forcibly led him out. The whole time, James looked suspicious, wondering if he should be letting her lead him out.

Snape gaped. Jealousy boiling over, he followed James and Evans out of the Great hall, crouching in a shadow where he could hear but not be seen.

"James, please!" Lily was on her knees, holding James's hand and looking up at him, tears pouring down. "Please take me back James. I love you!"

Severus watched James recoil, obviously uneasy. "Lily, if you love me so much, then why did you cheat on me." His voice was dead and uncaring.

"But James…"

James snatched his hand away and yelled. "You're having Zabini's child!"

For the third time that evening, Snape stood there, completely dumbfounded. _'I was told they got into a silly fight. No one ever said anything about an affair, much less a child.'_

Unable to look him in the face, Lily bent her head down, letting her tears plop on the stone floor. "Please. I need you. I'll die without you."

"You will not."

Lily sat there, unmoving, then gave a harsh bark of laughter. She stood up and pulled out her wand. "Yes, I will. And you will too. We need each other James. I'll kill you, and then I'll follow after." James stared at Lily as if she was mad, and at the moment, her sanity was truly up for question. "We'll be like Romeo and Juliet." Smiling, she raised her wand, ready to cast the spell. "Avad-"

"Stupefy!" Severus cried, jumping out of his shadow and aiming his wand at Lily's chest in one fluid motion. Both men watched her collapse, her wand stopping in front of Potter's feet. James looked up at Severus, stunned, not quite sure what had just occurred. Severus just gazed at him coolly, refusing to show how shaken he truly was. "I suggest you take that," he pointed at Lily, "to the infirmary. Though I'd probably drop her off the highest tower after what she just did, I'm sure you want to see her relatively safe. When she comes around, perhaps she'll be somewhat sane."

James looked at him quizzically. "Why did you help me?"

Snape shrugged. "Call it payback for helping me with Lockhart." He turned around and started walking away. "I'm going to bed. This evening's been an utter disaster and I'm ready for it to be over.

"Wait!" Severus turned around, meeting James's eyes. "Thank you…."

Snape nodded. He started off, but stopped one more time. "Nobody will know about this, you realize." He looked over his shoulder, smirking. "I can't have people thinking I fancy you, now can I. Over-inflated ego and all that." Snape nodded and walked off, making sure his new blush couldn't be seen and leaving behind a grinning James.

Severus managed to make it all the way back to the Slytherin common room before collapsing.

"Ugh! This didn't work out at all! Black drank the potion and James was almost killed." Severus took in a deep breath, letting the air out slowly. He pulled himself off the floor, leaning on a plush chair for support. "I'm going to bed, now, before something else goes wrong." He dragged himself to his dorm, stopping as he took hold of the door. He could hear movement on the other side of the door, accompanied by two voices and faint moans. Wondering what was going on, he slowly turned the doorknob and opened the door, completely unprepared for what he was about to see.

Laying on his bed, HIS bed, were Lucius Malfoy and Sirius Black. Arms legs, and lips were entangled together as the two rolled each other over. Snape stood there, wide eyed, too stunned and disturbed to say or do anything at first. After the initial shock, his face turned red and he shook with fury.

"WHAT THE _BLOODY HELL_ ARE YOU DOING IN _MY_ BED?"

Two chapters in two days! I feel awesome. Actually… my internet and cable decided to go out, so I worked on a chapter while watching Slayers. Good night :D

Okay, so 4 chapters down, 2 to go, then new content. Excited? I am :D Hope everyone is liking the revisions. Chapter 5 will be out soon. Thank you for your support. Comments and critiques welcome as always. And here are the links to the other places

sincerusamor . blogspot . com

sincerusamor . tumblr . com


	5. Chapter 5

Author's Note: I'm so sorry this took so long. I've been swamped with schoolwork lately. Added to that I've been trying to catch James up with Snape, and failing miserably. But the 5th chapter is finally done and up. Hope you like it, Enjoy!

Summary: Snape discovers he has 'unsettling' emotions for James and becomes rather obsessed with him. He writes it all down in his journal, which is later found by said obsession. Will a love affair blossom between the two rivals, or will a fragile teenage heart be shattered into itty bitty bite-sized pieces. A little bit of OOC-ness. Set in the 7th year. May be some Dumbledore bashing (done by Snape of course). Rated R for eventual lemon scenes. Pairings: Snape/James. Hint of Lucius/Sirius.

The Very Secret Diary of Severus Snape

Chapter 5

Tuesday, November 1, 1973

Dear Fluffy,

I never, EVER, want to see anything like that again. The fact that Lucius and Black were together really doesn't bother me as it should. What disturbs me, at great length, is the fact that they chose to do… whatever it was they were doing… in MY bed. At least they had the decency to keep their clothes on. Although I have a rather strong feeling that if I hadn't shown up when I did, they would have gone a lot farther.

I need to clean my sheets…

Lucius knows everything. After Sirius decided to leave (which took a while, mind you), I had to tell him about how I liked James and the love potion and how sorry I was that he almost slept with Black because of it. Lucius shifted nervously where he was sitting and finally decided to tell me that he had been 'kind of' going out with Black for about a month. My question is how can you 'kind of' go out with someone?

But all secrets are out. He knows I like James and I know about Black (couldn't he have chosen a better candidate? Not that I can talk, but still.). We've even come up with code names for the two of them so we can talk in public. (James being Grace, Sirius being the Mutt. What's funny is that Lucius came up with both names) It feels ridiculous, but it is nice to have someone to talk to. I didn't think I was so desperate for somebody to know.

Now I have to try and come up with another plan. I could just be blunt and tell him… but that may not go over to well. Quidditch matches start in a few days, but there isn't much I could do around all those people unless I'd like my whole love life (or lack thereof) to be broadcasted to the whole school.

I really don't know what to do. Everything just seems so hopeless right now.

-Severus

Thursday, November 3, 1973

Dear Fluffy,

Not very much has happened since Tuesday. Evans is still in the infirmary. She hasn't woken yet, but she should in a day or two. James is still moping around (not that I can blame him), but he seems a bit happier, what with quidditch starting up. Now that I think about it, he really hasn't been himself lately. No laughing at me. No stealing the snitch from storage. It's like he lost that unique trait of his that mad him James. I think he's getting some of that back. It's nice to see him smile again, no matter what the reason…

Classes have been going more or less as expected (I figure I might as well put something on that subject in here. This is still a journal and it seems to be lacking the mediocrities of everyday life). The professors are getting us ready for NEWTs, but the work isn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Lockhart has been clinging to me a bit more than usual. I've caught him staring at me a few times during potions and he won't leave my side during lunch or dinner. I'm usually in the Great Hall rather early for breakfast, so he doesn't get the opportunity than. I'm not sure if I should be worried or not. Maybe James was right about him being a stalker. Damn.

I'm trying so hard not to think about James, but it's not working. Unless I'm suddenly struck by some brilliant idea, I'll probably never tell James that I like him, much less get him to like me. It hurts to think about him, but I can't stop.

-Severus

Sunday, November 6, 1973

Dear Fluffy,

The first match is starting in a few minutes. Ravenclaw vs. Hufflepuff. I doubt it'll be of much interest. Hufflepuff's team is dismal. Ravenclaw shouldn't have any difficulty defeating them. I'm going to head down there now.

-Severus

Severus snapped his journal shut and let out a sigh. Lucius was sitting on the bed beside him, smirking.

"I still can't believe you, the cold and heartless Severus Snape, write all your personal thoughts and feelings in a furry pink notebook." He laughed, taking the journal and flipping through the pages, only partially paying attention to that what was written.

Severus snatched the journal out of Lucius's hand, slipping it inside his cloak. "I told you. My mother gave it to me and I didn't have anything else."

"Whatever." Lucius stood and threw on his cloak. "Evans got out of the infirmary this morning."

"I really don't care." He stuffed his wand in his pocket and stood, heading towards the door. "Come. We're going to be late."

Lucius smiled and shook his head. _'Of course you care. Dolt.' _He followed after his friend quietly out the door.

The two raced down the corridors, wanting to be on time for the match. It's not that the game would be exciting, but they both wanted to perhaps catch a glimpse of the objects of their affections. Slytherin house and Gryffindor house were on opposite sides of the pit, so it would be quite easy to occasionally look over at the two lions without looking suspicious.

Severus and Lucius took their seats just as the quaffle was thrown. They grinned at each other and looked over at the field.

"Hufflepuff's defense is weak." Severus muttered. "Look at their lineup."

Lucius nodded. "Gamble may be a good Chaser, but he can't make up for everyone else's lack of talent. Especially when Weasley, his so called 'Keeper', can't catch a thing."

Severus nodded, glancing across the field where James and Sirius were sitting. The two weren't even paying attention to the match, instead choosing to have a mock sword fight with their wands. Every now and then sparks or bubbles would shoot out of one of their wands, throwing them into fits of laughter. Snape smiled softly, glad that James finally seemed more like himself.

"Severus, have you decided what you are going to do about our dear Gracie?"

Snape sighed and shook his head. "No. I can't think of anything." He grimaced. "I keep running different scenarios through my mind, but they all end up the same: with one or both of us getting hexed and the whole school finding out. I don't know how to tell him without that embarrassment." Snape glared at the raven-haired beauty across the field. "And I'm sorry, but I'd rather not have a repeat of 5th year when he exposed my knickers to half the school."

Lucius chuckled. "A worthy desire, I'm sure." He shook his head, still smiling. "You'll have to do something eventually. And I wouldn't plan on anymore interesting potions. That didn't seem to work very well."

"It worked well enough for you…." Lucius burst into laughter. Snape rolled his eyes, looking back at the match. The two Seekers were already racing for the snitch. With a sudden burst of speed, Ravenclaw's seeker shot in front and grabbed to golden snitch, ending the game.

"AND RAVENCLAW CATCHES THE SNITCH AND WINS!!! FINAL SCORE: 230-40."

Severus blinked. "That was quick."

"Not like we were paying attention Lucius looked down at his watch. "It's been about an hour."

Shrugging, Severus stood and followed after the crowd of Slytherin students, Lucius close behind him. Once they were out of the stands, the two pulled away from the group, opting for a less crowded route.

Severus looked over at Lucius, a sudden question popping into his head as they walked through the entrance of the school. "Why do you like the Mutt?"

"I don't know. Why do you like Grace?" Lucius smiled to see his friend all flustered. "A rhetorical question." He shook his head. "I'm really not sure why I like him. There's just something about him that's rather intriguing. It kind of draws me towards him. Like gravity." He laughed. "Besides, I'm not the one who ever had a real problem with him. He can be annoying, of course," Snape snorted, earning a glare from Lucius, "but past his torment of you, he's never really bothered me.

"That wasn't very helpful…"

Lucius laughed once more. "Always happy to be of service."

Severus rolled his eyes and turned the corner of the corridor, smacking into something with a solid "Thump" and quickly falling to the ground. "Ouch." Lucius rushed to him to help him up. The two looked up to see James and Sirius in the same position, James being the one Severus had bumped into.

James groaned and glared at Severus. "Why don't you watch where you're going next time, Snivellus."

Severus growled at the raven-haired beauty in front of him, forcing his heart to stop beating as quickly as it was. "I could say the same for you, Potter. Perhaps if your nose weren't so high in the air, you'd be able to see where you were going."

"If yours wasn't so big, maybe you'd be able to see what was in front of you." James reached in his robe and pulled out his wand. "Would you like me to correct that for you?"

Severus pulled his wand out from his pocket. "I'd like to see you try, Potter."

Sirius and Lucius looked at each other and shook their heads, backing away from the other two.

"Gentlemen." The four guys turned around simultaneous, coming face to face with Professor Flamel. "May I ask what's going on here?"

"Nothing, Professor." James smiled up at their potions. "We were just talking."

Flamel smiled back at James, looking down at the drawn wands. "I'm sure you were. And your wands are just out for show, right?" Severus and James looked at each other. "Mr. Malfoy. Mr. Black. You two can go back to your dorms. As for Mr. Snape and Mr. Potter, I'd like you both to come to my office Thursday night at 8 for detention." He smiled once more at his students and walked off.

Snape and James looked at each other once more. James scowled at Severus before walking off. Sirius nodded and smiled at Lucius before following after.

Lucius looked over and smiled weakly at Severus. "At least you'll be able to spend some time with James."

Severus sighed and collapsed on the floor. "Bloody hell, this is going to be torture."

A/N:As always, reviews are much appreciated. Flames or praise, I'll take whatever. Constructive criticism is also greatly appreciated. Until next time!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: After reading the final Harry Potter book, I honestly wasn't sure if I wanted to continue this. What with the new information on Severus, I wasn't sure how many people would _want_ continue reading this. So I guess it's up to you guys. Would you like me to continue or shall this be the final chapter::takes on a Ryan Seacrest voice/accent:: Only _you_, America, can decide.  
I realize this chapter might not be all that great. Not all that much information or action or what have you. The next chapter (if it is put up here) should be longer and a tad bit more interesting.

A note: If I stop this one, I will stop James's diary as well.

::laughs:: Either way, here is the much awaited (as far as I can tell from the reviews, anyway) chapter of The Very Secret Diaries of Severus Snape. Hope you guys enjoy.

One more note. The beginning of this chapter takes place a few hours after the last chapter ended. Just for reference.

The Very Secret Diaries of Severus Snape: Chapter 6

"Where the bloody hell is it?" Severus screamed, emerging from a pile of crumbled clothing.

"Where is what, Severus?" Lucius walked in, surveying the shared dormitory. Trash was scattered over the floor alongside the clothes. "What exploded in here?" He raised a delicate eyebrow. "Did Potter hide a dung bomb in your robes?"

"I've lost my journal!" Severus exploded, tearing apart a previously undamaged section. Lucius just gaped at him. Severus turned around and glared at him viciously. "Well, don't just stand there! Help me find it!"

"I cannot believe you lost that!" Lucius waded into the mess, tossing things to the side in an attempt to find the elusive pink journal. "Have you thought to use a summoning charm?"

"I've tried. It won't come if I don't know where it is."

Lucius groaned. "You're bloody kidding me."

They went on searching for over an hour, never finding it. Finally, Lucius plopped himself on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. "Give up, Severus. We aren't going to find it in this mess…."

"I need to find that journal, Lucius. If someone else finds it…" A look of horror gripped Severus's face as he dove into yet another pile.

A sudden thought hit Lucius. "Severus…" The man in question looked up, random cloak in hand. "What if Potter grabbed it when you guys ran into each other?" The two stared at each other as the sudden realization hit them.

"He couldn't have…." Severus said in a small voice, unwilling to admit to the probable truth.

"He landed right on top of you." Lucius slowly sat up on the bed. "He would have had the perfect opportunity."

Severus shook his head. "He couldn't have. He can't possibly be that smart."

"But he is. We both know that he is."

Severus fell to the floor. "Damn it…. This was NOT what I wanted to happen."

"He may not have found it. It's only a possibility." Lucius said in an attempt to comfort his friend.

"But knowing him, he probably did steal it. You said it yourself: he had the perfect opportunity. It'd be typical James to seize any chance given to torment me. "

"Well he hasn't exactly been typical James lately."

Severus blinked. "I suppose…"

The two remained silent for a moment. Lucius looked back up at the ceiling, thinking. He chuckled.

"What?"

"Just thinking." He laughed. "If nothing else, at least James will find out that you like him."

Severus glared at him miserably.

-------

Severus looked around the Great Hall nervously as he and Lucius walked in. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary. There were no students snickering as he entered (well, no more than usual, anyway). No humiliating pages blown up and spelled to the walls. Severus let out a sigh of relief and followed Lucius to the Slytherin table.

"Well, it doesn't seem like he's read it yet," Severus whispered, piling food onto his plate.

"Did you honestly think he would do something about it in public?" Lucius looked at his friend, his voice low. "If the contents of your journal leak out, it would embarrass him just as much as it would you. He'll find ways to torment you, I'm sure, but he'll make sure no one finds out why."

Severus groaned. "I never even considered that."

Lucius smiled. "For someone who's so intelligent, you're bloody dumb when it comes to other people." Lucius paused for a moment. "You know, he may not be too happy when he finds out about Sirius and me."

"You mean Black never told him?"

Lucius shook his head. "I doubt it. It isn't very likely."

The two ate in silence. Every now and then, Severus would turn his head slightly, just enough to catch a glimpse of James. He seemed normal enough. He was laughing with his friends: a good sign. They weren't looking over at him between snickers: also a good sign. It didn't look like they were plotting. They seemed… carefree.

Severus smiled to himself. It really had been a while since he had seen James so happy. Sure, he didn't miss the pranks (he didn't miss those at all), but for a while, he would have given just about anything to hear James call him Snivellus.

Once Severus and Lucius finished their meal, they left the Great Hall and headed back towards the dungeons. The two were quiet, both immersed in their own thoughts. When they reached to common room, Severus left Lucius behind and walked up the stairs to their dorm. The room was empty; everything was silent. Severus threw himself face down on his bed, resting his head on top of his arms. Gradually, exhaustion washed over him, easing him into a warm embrace. His last thought before he allowed sleep to overtake him was of James, giving him a soft, loving smile.

-------

The next morning, Severus woke feeling much better than he had the night before. He sat up and stretched his arms, trying to get rid of the stiffness in his shoulders. He looked over at the bed beside him and laughed. Sprawled on top of the covers was the "debonair" Lucius Malfoy. One leg hung off the bed. His arms were in some awkward position behind his head. He snorted and rolled into a slightly more comfortable position. Severus shook his head and grabbed his stuff for a shower, making sure to stay quiet. Carefully, he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him, successfully not awaking Lucius.

Severus leaned against the door and looked down at his watch. It was still fairly early. Only 5:27 am. Most students would still be asleep right now. He didn't have to worry too much about running into any unwanted students.

Severus smiled to himself as he walked down the hall. Despite everything that had happened the previous day, he felt happier then he had in weeks. It didn't pan out quite as planned, but James would know that he liked him. There was no other way around it. There was no turning back. If James had read even a little bit, and Severus was sure that he had, he would know just about everything. Every thought that had ran through his mind. Every emotion that had burned in his blood. And bloody hell, he would even know about that blasted dream from the beginning of the year. For better or worse, James knew everything.

Severus reached the door of the prefects bathroom. It was early enough that it wouldn't matter if he used it. No one would be in there anyway. He opened up the door and looked around. In the over-sized bathtub was James. His eyes were closed and his head lay back on the tile. Severus smiled to himself. _'He must have fallen asleep here.'_ He looked closely at James, wondering how long he had been here. He crept a bit closer and smiled softly. James was completely relaxed. His breathing was long and even. There were no lines on his face. No more signs of stress. For that one moment, there was nothing wrong in James' world. At that moment, it took everything in Severus not to reach out and kiss him.

Before he could do anything he would regret, Severus stood back up and walked back towards the door, stopping just short of the handle. He slid his mask of cold indifference back on and turned around.

"Potter."

James jerked to attention. He looked around, trying to remember where he was. Finally, his eyes landed on Severus. He jerked back a little bit, his face paling visibly. "Snape. What are you doing here?"

Severus raised an eyebrow. "It's Snape today? Not Snivellus?" James glared at him. "I was about to do the one thing you seem to think I don't do: take a bath."

James sneered. "Who would have ever thought that you knew how? I'm impressed. I wasn't aware you were capable of that talent."

Severus sneered. "And what about you, Potter? Falling asleep in the prefects' bath. Were you having a pleasant dream? Perhaps visions of Evans raging through your head?"

"Quiet, _Snivellus_." He growled. "Don't talk about what you don't know."

"Oh, but I _do_ know. Don't you remember? I heard that whole conversation on Halloween night." Severus walked over to a bathroom stall and leaned back on it, crossing his arms. "_Dearest_ Lily Evans had a bit of an affair over summer holiday. Now she's having a child and it isn't yours. The result: the pleasantly insane Evans who almost killed you a few nights ago."

James jumped out of the tub and aimed his wand at Severus. "Say one more word about it, Snape," he whispered, his voice a dark whisper. "I dare you."

Severus and James stared at each other for a moment, neither one allowing themselves to look anywhere else. Finally, Severus lowered his gaze, then quickly brought his eyes back up. His cheeks tinted red and he started shifting around a bit, nervous. James lowered his wand slightly and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You, um, you may want to put some pants on, James…. You're kind of.. well…"

James looked down at himself and blushed furiously. Shaking, he hurriedly put his pants on, trying to maneuver so that Severus couldn't see too much. Severus stood there, trying not to watch but sort of failing. He was disappointed when James was finished, wishing that James had at least left his shirt off.

James looked over at Severus, evaluating him. Severus stared back at him, wondering what was going on in James' mind. Finally, James spoke.

"Snape…," he shook his head. "Forget it. I'm out of here…" James walked past Severus and out of the bathroom. Severus just watched him leave, not saying anything.

He sighed as the portrait closed itself quietly. '_Perhaps he really hasn't read anything yet…..'_


	7. Author's Note: READ MEH! :D

Okay, I know a lot of people have been waiting a long time for me to finally finish and update this story. Well, I have good news. I'm finally doing it, and I'm sorry I took so long to do it. I'm going to have the chapters both here and on my new blog, .com, which you should follow (/shameless plug).

Before I do new chapters, I'm going to be editing and revising and changing the first six chapters. As I type this, I already have the first chapter up and pretty both here and on the blog for everyone to read. Every time I add a new chapter, I'll be changing this to reflect it. Since I'm just revising, the first six chapters aren't going to take too long. So hopefully, I'll have chapter 7 up relatively soon ish. It won't be another 4 years. Promise.

I'm going to finish Severus, then I'm going to do James. As always, ideas and input will ALWAYS be welcome. Give me your worst.

UPDATE: okay, so first three chapters are now up. I've got them here, on my blog, and now on tumblr (why not) the addresses are as follows. Hopefully these not quite links will work for you

sincerusamor . blogspot . com (get rid of the spaces)

sincerusamor . tumblr . com (get rid of the spaces)

I hope everyone is enjoying the revisions. Since I'm not sure if everyone is reading them, I'll address some questions here (as they come).

To Trii-Chi and anyone else who may disapprove of how I wrote in Lily, I know Lily and Severus were originally friends, but I started this fic long before book seven had come out, and I had kind of based the story around the idea that Lily was a psycho bitch. Sorry in advance for what will happen with her.

As always, ideas, comments, degradation and praise are always welcome. I'm trying to improve my writing, so I want to know how I'm doing. I hope everyone continues to enjoy my story :D


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